A Little Bit About the Suspect
It is rumored that
Tastiera and
Velvet Cockroach are nothing more than musical pseudonyms for a thirty-something man named Shawn Miller. The picture shown here is one of the few known photographs of this elusive and enigmatic figure. I realize it looks like he actually posed for the picture, but in reality, we simply planted a fake copy of his favorite tree in the hills above Boulder, Colorado, and when he smiled in admiration of it, a camera hidden in one of the knotholes snapped the picture and instantly transmitted it to an overhead satellite, which then relayed the image to our secret base in the Southwestern desert. I am sure if you try very hard, you can think of some greater squandering of technological resources.
Our Rocky Mountain operatives tell us that Shawn currently lives in Commons Park, which is just northwest of Lower Downtown Denver (LoDo). Records from the University of Colorado, which will apparently give a PhD to anybody who asks for one, hint that he may be masquerading as an aerospace engineer somewhere, which might be how he finances his (alleged) musical endeavors. There have been reports of him playing pool in the local brewpubs, dressed up as a goalie at various suburban hockey rinks, and biking down the South Platte River trail, but these all suggest he has a life, which hardly seems likely.
Speaking of hockey, our Rocky Mountain operatives were also able to obtain the pictures shown below by bribing the Alleged Artist's girlfriend right in front of him. Apparently there are more known photographs of the Alleged Artist than we thought a mere two paragraphs ago. This suggests a complete ineptitude on our part with regard to doing proper research, and if we had any pride, we would close this shop down immediately. Fortunately, pride hasn't visited these parts since around 1982.
A Little Bit About the Studio
If you've listened to any
Tastiera or
Velvet Cockroach music, then by now you may be wondering how it is possible for any combination of technologies to create sounds of this nature. The purpose of this page is to rattle off a series of obscure product names in lieu of answering your question directly.
The music featured on the albums "Stratospheric", "A Little to the Left", and "Release", was perpetrated using the equipment shown in the picture at left. All of the multitrack recording, mixing, and mastering on those albums was conducted using Cakewalk SONAR and the M-Audio Delta Audiophile 2496 sound card on a Compaq Evo computer with an Intel Pentium-4 running at 2.8 GHz. The drum sounds were supplied by the FXPansion DR-008 software, and the other instrument sounds were generated by the Edirol Hypersynth and Dreamstation software, driven by the Roland/Edirol PC-70 MIDI keyboard controller. The vocals (a term appropriately distinct from "singing") were captured by a 15-year-old AudioTechnica 75D microphone and run through the M-Audio Audiobuddy mic preamp.
In addition (which means I didn't plan that last paragraph so well), "Stratospheric" features a Fender Stratocaster guitar - the "Mexican strat" variety. I suppose I should mention he also used a pick. Not sure who made it. Sorry.
The music for the most recent album, "Decades", was recorded for your listening displeasure on SONAR 6 Producer Edition, which when combined with Windows Vista is only slightly less buggy than the original version of SONAR
Tastiera was using, but at least it has more features. The guitar amp sounds have been upgraded to IK Multimedia's Amplitube 2 plug-in, which is quite wicked and worth a look (ok, how much money do I get for saying that, IK Multimedia? Yeah I thought so). The synth sounds now come from Cakewalk's Dimension Pro and Rapture synthesizers, and some of the drums come from Session Drummer, although the Alleged Artist told me he really wishes it was easier to make custom patterns with that particular plug-in. Let's face it, he just likes to complain. In fact I'm tempted to bitch about how much he likes to complain.
Things weren't always so fancy-schmancy. The first
Velvet Cockroach album (which thankfully no longer exists) was recorded in 1984 using a toy Casio keyboard and a cheap boombox. In between then and now,
Velvet Cockroach and
Tastiera have used a variety of other boomboxes, microphones, effects processors, keyboards, synthesizers, drum machines, mountain goats, shoehorns, microwave ovens, tourniquets, nuclear fission reactor control rods, and machines that go "BING!" to preserve their cacophony for posterity.
A Lot More About the Suspect
March 31, 1969: Shawn William Miller is born at Rose Memorial in Denver, Colorado. Determined never to let such a thing happen again, the hospital permanently closes its doors that afternoon.
July 20, 1969: Neil Armstrong walks on the moon a mere 101 days after Shawn's birth. Coincidence? I think so.
Sometime in 1972 or 1973: Shawn receives a pink toy piano for Christmas (or perhaps it was his birthday; he was heavily into the asthma drug scene by this time, so he's not sure). Equipped with one or two octaves of multicolored keys, this piano unleashes Shawn's inner musical fury, until he breaks it like all his other toys.
Sometime in 1976: Having seen what were, in retrospect, mere aberrations of musical talent from his pink toy piano days, Shawn's parents buy him a real piano. Despite his best efforts over the ensuing decade, Shawn is unable to break the piano, although he does break a few strings. Hence begin eight years of piano lessons under the tutelage of a very patient woman named Gail Clark. Mrs. Clark is later canonized for her efforts.
Sometime in 1981: Shawn composes his first tune. The Billboard charts are completely unaffected.
Summer 1983: Shawn is introduced to the musical technology of Casio for the very first time on a trip to California when he borrows a little music-maker from his cousin. He suddenly has a dozen instrument sounds and electronic drums at his disposal. The composer becomes an arranger, and chaos ensues. The Billboard charts remain resolute in their complete imperviousness to these developments.
March 1984: Shawn receives a larger, but still toy-sized, Casio keyboard for his birthday. Now instead of just a piano, he has a couple dozen instrument sounds to work with, none of which sound remotely like a piano (especially the one labeled "Piano"), and an assortment of rhythm patterns. The creative juices are cascading now, and Shawn has to change his clothes every fifteen minutes.
April 1984: While sitting in Algebra class one morning, Shawn has an epiphany, requiring him to change his clothes again. Details are sketchy about what happens next. Most of the witnesses are too shaken to give clear and concise accounts, but somehow from this mess emerges a band, or at least that is the "official" story. It is widely suspected that Shawn is the front-man for this band, although he never admits as much. The band never tours or gives interviews, not that anyone is looking for tickets or interested in asking questions. Shawn never allows anyone to even see the other members of the band, sparking rumors that it is really just him and him alone. But this much is known for certain:
Velvet Cockroach is born in April of 1984. Their first album is entitled "Duh". It turns out that title is far too cerebral for the content of the album, most of which is centered around the available rhythm patterns on Shawn's Casio. Hence the spawning of such unforgettable classics as "Sambady Do Da Samba" and "Let's Watch Nova While We Do the Bossanova".
Velvet Cockroach would go on to generate 14 albums over the next four and a half years. You can get an idea of how ridiculous every one of them was by browsing the covers and track listings
here.
July 1984: Shawn's best friend laughs at least once, and possibly twice, at the lyrics on "Duh". Mistaking this as a positive critical review,
Velvet Cockroach feels empowered to produce a sequel. Entitled "Total Lobotomy", the second album is not the slightest bit better than the first. None of the original music from either of the first two
Velvet Cockroach albums will be available by the turn of the millennium. You are glad. No, trust me, you are very glad.
December 1984: Velvet Cockroach releases their third album - "End of the Line". From this new collection of absolute shite emerges
Velvet Cockroach's first "hit": "Total Lobotomy". Shawn's best friend plays the tape for several people in his high school without first asking if this was okay. Shawn's reputation as a complete geek is therefore thoroughly solidified, meaning there will be many more
Velvet Cockroach albums, because they certainly won't be delayed on account of Shawn being on a date.
March 1985: The fourth
Velvet Cockroach album - "Clear the Sidewalks" - is released. A couple of people actually start asking Shawn when the next
Velvet Cockroach album is coming out. Mistaking this for stardom,
Velvet Cockroach forges on. Over the course of the next two years, seven more albums are released.
Velvet Cockroach becomes an underground cult phenomenon. The anticipation is ratcheted higher with every new album, and people begin committing suicide upon realizing they are humming
Velvet Cockroach tunes. This is the height of the
Velvet Cockroach era, but those closest to the situation say it is also the time when things begin to unravel. Perhaps the fame and fortune went to the band members' heads. Or perhaps they were psychos to begin with. Whatever the reason,
Velvet Cockroach disbands after releasing "Room 101" in January of 1987. The event makes the breakup of the "Beatles" seem like a minor footnote in musical history. The repercussions are felt around the world. Stock markets fall. Governments collapse. Dogs poop on their owners' carpets. Many historians question how humanity emerges from this calamity, but somehow life goes on.
May 1987: According to urban legend, Shawn releases a solo instrumental album called "Beyond Words". The album, if it ever really existed, is eventually lost. Those who claim to have seen the album cover report that it did not bear Shawn's name, but rather the obscure moniker of
Tastiera. Intensive research by some of the world's leading institutes of knowledge has determined with a fair amount of confidence that
Tastiera is Italian for "keyboard". By the way, isn't it kind of weird for people whose first language is not English when a perfectly ordinary non-English word is used as a proper name? I mean, for example, there is a street in Santa Barbara called Los Carnitos Road. That sounds quaint to English-speaking folks, but for those who call Spanish their native language, it comes out as The Sheep Road. We would never call a street that in English. This is the kind of stuff that keeps me up nights. Where the hell was I? Oh, yeah...
September 1987: Touched by the outpouring of grief around the world at their demise, and also having spent all of their money,
Velvet Cockroach reunites to make three more albums, beginning with the aptly named "Never Stop the Music". But something has changed. Songs with serious subjects begin to appear with greater frequency, and it almost sounds like the band is trying to improve the quality of the recordings, a 180-degree turnaround from their previous efforts. In fact, it is almost as if the band is growing up, which did not seem possible before. As 1987 wanes, rumors fly again, this time of a Christmas album, but nothing surfaces.
September 1988: No one has heard from
Velvet Cockroach for months, but the name
Tastiera rises into the spotlight again with the release of a new album called "The Full Spectrum". This time, there are lyrics involved. The popularity of every band on Earth besides
Tastiera spikes momentarily in response. Meanwhile, it remains easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for the word
Tastiera to be found anywhere near a Billboard chart.
December 1988: A man walking down the street in downtown Broomfield, Colorado, sees something lying in the grass and stoops down to pick it up. It is a package. Inside, he finds a cassette tape, labeled "A
Velvet Cockroach Christmas: Master Copy". He tosses it into the creek. Some time later, it is found by the creature Gollum, who begins referring to it as "My Preciousssss" and walks around town blaring it on his boombox. At first, people are annoyed, but then they succumb to the musical genius of the album, and it becomes another cult classic. This is the last time anyone ever hears from
Velvet Cockroach. Or is it?
February 1989: The second
Tastiera album, "Pink Noise", is introduced to the masses.
Tastiera subsequently produces another four albums, culminating in "Broken World", released in 1993. Each album has its own personality, none of which corresponds to someone you'd want to be locked in a room with. Anticipation grows for the followup to "Broken World", but nothing ever materializes. 1994 comes and goes, 1995 comes and goes, and so on, until finally the world becomes convinced that
Tastiera, and perhaps Shawn too, are no more. Stock markets collapse. Dogs fall. Governments poop on their citizens' carpets. Another calamity for calamity-weary humanity. But life goes on.
October 2004: At a moment when the world has finally come to peace with itself over the loss of both
Velvet Cockroach and
Tastiera, a new
Tastiera album emerges:
"Release". The world groans. How could it be? Yet here it is. The kicker? One of the songs is a
Velvet Cockroach remix: "Pizza Ala Mode On Rye". Has the curtain of deception been torn from the ceiling? Is
Tastiera really
Velvet Cockroach in disguise? Or is
Velvet Cockroach really
Tastiera in disguise? Or are both of them merely the depraved delusions of one sick man? We may never know the answer. But one thing we do know - he still can't sing.
May 2005: Bad goes to worse. TastieraMusic.com opens its doors, indicating we are all to be burdened with its presence until Shawn forgets to re-register the domain name.
October 2005: Cruelly ignoring the worldwide cries for mercy,
Tastiera releases
"A Little to the Left". Bastards.
October 2006: To avoid being the party responsible for causing time to come to an abrupt halt, the editor at Tastieramusic.com adds one completely useless entry to the History page.
February 2007: The album,
"Stratospheric", is unleashed on a world now resigned to just ignoring
Tastiera as much as is humanly possible.
April 2008: Tastiera 2.0 debuts. As if you hadn't already heard that on CNN.
August 2008: When it rains, it pours.
"Decades" is released.
February 2009: Tastiera 3.0 arrives. Pretty sure this is listed somewhere in Revelations.
