Frozen Dreams (1988)
(from the album "Is Anyone Listening")
Good God, this song sure reads pathetic now. Funny thing is, I have no clue who it was about. Far as I can figure, it was about nobody. Not to say it wouldn't have applied quite nicely sometime before or sometime after I wrote it. But when I wrote it, I was as datingly active as a monk. You know, I really do think my asthma medication has taken me for a ride the last (mumble) years.
well i want a lot more than i'll ever know
and i want to travel farther than i'll ever go
and the mind is too vast for where i'll ever be
and i'll envision more than i'll ever see
some dreams come true
some are swept away by the wind
i can't have you
agonizing as it may seem
i'll just accept it and live it through
and i'll keep dreaming my frozen dreams
you cannot know what you put me through
it's never happened to you
you're a heartbreaker, you don't feel the pain
meanwhile you slowly drive me insane
some dreams are real
but this one is quietly slipping away
i guess i'll never have you
i guess i'm trying to swim upstream
i guess there's nothing else that i can do
till i fall asleep and dream my frozen dreams
can't take the heartache
and yet i can't make the nightmare go away
why can't i have you
sometimes it makes me want to scream
i'm a total wreck without you
i want more than just a frozen dream
baby i care about you
though that's not always the way it seems
you'll make me say it, i love you
so come on out of my frozen dreams
why don't you come on out of my frozen dreams
Helium (1988)
(from the album "Is Anyone Listening")
It goes without saying that there aren't enough songs named after elements in the periodic table. I was aware of this early in life, but it took me about 19 years of breathing (heavily at times) to decide which one to start with. The result is the excruciating piece of garbage you see before you. Someday, I keep telling myself, I'll re-record this song so you can actually understand the lyrics. But until then, you'll just have to follow the bouncing ball. Only there isn't a bouncing ball.
are you lookin' for a new trip?
lookin' for a new sound?
well this'll keep you rolling on the ground
grab that tank of gas and give it one big suck
don't suck too hard or you're out of luck
maybe you'll just die or something
it's helium
good clean family fun
it's really number one
it's helium
you can talk real high and piss your neighbors off
and helium'll never make you cough
(cough) usually...
and if you don't like it, i guess you're just a geek
maybe we'll write you in for nerd of the week
you could win hands down, sewer scum
it's helium
yummy yummy yum
best damned thing under the sun
it's helium
come on, try it, bonehead
ooo wow, like, dude, you're spinning around
oh i feel like i'm gonna pass out
it's a helium hangover
you don't have to shout, do ya?
oh i feel like bug excrement
but that's all right, 'cause it's...
helium
gimme gimme some
do you hear me, mon?
it's helium
said helium
come on, don't be dumb
come on and get you some
it's helium
and it's wicked, dude
helium
whoa, i think my eyeballs are gonna explode
Eat the Roses (1988)
(from the album "Is Anyone Listening")
It's kind of ironic, a guy who didn't make any money and didn't often go out on dates, complaining about how much money he's spending on women. Apparently this song was allegorical. The world's greatest experts are still working on the meaning.
i send you candy and i send you flowers
call up and tell ya you're my favorite girl
i waste my entire income on you
i buy you diamonds and i buy you pearls
is there a sign hangin' 'round my neck sayin'
go 'head and milk me for all i've got
do you want me to give you some blood
that's about the only thing i haven't bought
for you
baby i'm broke
can't you read my lips
i said i can't blow any more of my cash
i'm warnin' you now
the next gift you receive
could come out of the trash
i don't wanna sound like a cheapskate baby
but i really don't see anything for me here
why don't you just go down and pick up my paycheck
why don't you get yourself some credit at penney's or sears
if you really love me
and you're thinkin' of me
you'd offer to pay this time
thanks to you
i don't have another dime
baby, i've only got one thing left for you, and that's me
it's the only thing i can give you for free
so flush the candy and eat the roses
and love me free of charge
baby, i've only got one thing left for you, and that's me
it's the only thing i can give you for free
so flush the candy and eat the roses
and love me free of charge
tax deductible
toll free
if nothing else
consider it a charity
and give until it hurts
baby i love you
so eat the roses and love me too
like i love you
Main Street (1987)
(from the album "Never Stop the Music")
You don't realize until you're closer to your midlife crisis than to puberty that the things you thought painful during your younger years are nothing compared with the crap you must endure in your older years. Thirty seconds of road construction is a good example of something that might not compare to, say, getting a divorce. Go Buffs.
drivin' down main street today
what do you think i see
a tall hairy dork in an orange jacket
wavin' a sign at me
slow down, the sign yells out
road constuction ahead
i must've got up on the wrong side of bed
again
this happens every single day
they're fixin' up our town
look out for that pothole buddy
it's a long way down
i guess i'm bein' impatient
it's only been five years
since a man could handle drivin' down main street
without drinkin' seven beers
take me away
there's gotta be a better way
to pave a road
main street, you get me down
what has happened to you
tell me was it somethin' that i said
main street, don't slow me down
quit it, no more detours
before i put a bullet through my head
you're not the main street that i used to know
now you've got me lookin' for somewhere else to go
there is no alternate route
there is no way out
we have to put up with it
makes me want to shout
someday they'll finish makin' our town a better place to live
but until then it's give and take
they take and we give
take me away
there's gotta be a better way
to pave a road
main street, you get me down
what has happened to you
tell me was it somethin' that i said
main street, don't slow me down
quit it, no more detours
before i put a bullet through my head
you're not the main street that i used to know
now you've got me lookin' for somewhere else to go
i guess it's for our own good
yeah right
I'm Too Cool (1986)
(from the album "Broke Again")
This was the best song (not saying much) from the album "Broke Again", released in August of 1986, right before I started my senior year of high school. The topic, of course, is that my body temperature was always around 90 degrees Fahrenheit, which is way too cool. I realize it may sound like the lyrics are saying something else, but if you think about it, the temperature idea works just fine. Well, don't think too hard. The mind is a terrible thing to tax.
everywhere i've ever gone, people said to me
i'd give just about anything if i were you and you were me
but can you blame them, let's face it, i'm really great
people line up just to look at me
all the girls want me for a date
it's a crying shame how wonderful i am
everybody who knows me is a personal fan
yeah, i'm too cool to be with anyone
no one's in my class
and you're lucky to hang around with me
ain't i a kick in the... assk anyone who's been with me
they ain't no fools
they'll all tell you right away
i'm too cool
no one will ever come along that'll be on my level
i'm a stud, i'm the king, i'm a loner, i'm a rebel
but i won't make you worship me or build me a shrine
just throw large sums of money
that'll be just fine
it's hard to believe how terrific i am
maybe someday i'll let you touch my hand
oh, i'm too cool to be with anyone
no one's in my class
and you're lucky to hang around with me
ain't i a kick in the... assk anyone who's been with me
they ain't no fools
they'll all tell you right away
i'm too cool
Whether Report (1986)
(from the album "Pizza Ala Mode on Rye")
For some reason, I thought it would be really funny to misspell "weather" on this one. I felt that way for exactly one day my entire life, the day I went ahead and did it. Ever since then, I've been stressing out over whether (get it) people would think I just didn't know how to spell "weather", and that problem became compounded when I entered a career in meteorological satellite technology. Thank God I didn't misspell "report". Did I?
get a pen, get a pencil, get a crayon if you like
gonna give it to you fast, so you better get psyched
if you don't get it all, well that's too bad
guess you'll just die; that's really sad
temperature now is sixty; make it fifty; thirty
twenty, no eighty percent humidity
the sun is shining bright today
but it's all a dirty trick; there's a blizzard on its way
whoops, it missed us
well excuse me for making a little mistake
guess i should go to the electric chair
at least then i'd know what'd happen next
and not have to tell everybody what to wear
wait, my machine's broke; can't light it up
what a shame, what a pity, had some really good stuff
drew up a whole map and colored it too
couldn't decide on green or blue
i guess we'll have to screw that; well that's just great
this gives new meaning to the word frustrate
whoops, this special bulletin just came in
oh no, better notify your next kin
here comes a big tornado
well excuse me for telling you a few minutes late
why don't you put me in front of a firing squad
i can't be held responsible for everything
why don't you go and yell at god
hey get this buddy, there's a hurricane
that traveled here all the way from maine
how it got that far north, i don't know
but what really worries me is how it got to colorado
no wait, scratch that last report
looks like i'm gonna be taken to court
the south platte river is moving apart
and we're all gonna fall in faster than a dart
temperature tomorrow in the mid seventies
with partly cloudy skies and mild afternoon breezes
well excuse me for being a human being
guess we're going off the air
then you'll be completely on your own
and let me tell you something, i really care
now to the sports
The Greenish Blues (1986)
(from the album "Psyched")
This album pretty much sucked. I had bought Mattel's Synsonics drums to try and improve my percussion tracks, and unfortunately it did not say anywhere on the box that Mattel Synsonics drums sound about as powerful as a guy thwapping a dog turd with a chopstick. Oh, sorry about that, I realize chopsticks gross some people out.
there's a philadendron on his shelf
he planted it all by himself
his favorite foods are broccoli and guacamole
he was born on st. patrick's day
he drives a green chevrolet
his favorite team is the jets he says they'll go to the super bowl
his house is painted emerald
his cheese is covered with green mold
and you should see his lawn
the grass is always greener on his side
his girlfriend has green eyes
dunked her hair in green dye
she wears green lipstick and green eyeliner
and her green shoelaces are never tied
he's got the greenish blues
and he don't know what to do
everywhere he goes
he keeps seeing that same god-forsaken shade
and if something orange doesn't happen soon
well he's gonna hit the green cheese moon
don't ever give him, don't even let him
don't let him see a jade
his street is lined with trees
his garden grows nothing but peas
his only pets are a frog and a green goldfish
he only uses quarters and dimes
green dollar bills make him whine
he's sick to death of green, ready to scream
grant him this one wish
take away his greenish blues
'cause he don't know what to do
everywhere he goes
he keeps seeing that same god-forsaken shade
and if something purple doesn't happen soon
well he's gonna hit the green cheese moon
don't ever give him, don't even let him
don't let him see a jade
Take Me Out of the Ball Game (1985)
(from the album "Don't Break My Spleen")
I played baseball in high school. Scratch that. I dressed up in a baseball uniform, donned a glove, and sat on various benches in the north suburban Denver metropolitan area in high school. Apparently convinced that my dorkiness would scare the other team into playing better, my coaches rarely unglued my rear end from the bench, although I did go something like 3 for 5 one season, so who's your daddy? My senior year, I got to play a half an inning, at the very end of the very last game. Thank God the coach didn't play me more, or we might not have won those two games we won the entire season. Anyway, the point to all this is that I am in prime position to start for the Colorado Rockies.
it's the bottom of the eighteenth inning
they can't seem to win the game
there's bottles of beer flying through the air
i'm so gall-dang glad that i came
this game has been delayed forty-two times
by hail, sleet, twisters and rain
and the fat women's choir from walla walla
is really becoming a pain
in the butt
take me out of the ballgame
take me out of the park
'cause that's one, two, going on three games they've played
and no one's won
i've eaten three thousand hot dogs
i think i'm ready to barf
and it's twelve at night and this park don't have lights
and it's getting kind of dark
what started out as a day game
has turned into a black nightmare
the pitcher is standing on second base
and there's broken bats flying everywhere
take me out of the ballgame
take me out of this town
'cause that's one, two, three times i've been pelted
by a foul ball
hey you, yeah you, that's right
would you happen to know the score
i've been so busy warding off beer spitwads
i don't even know who's playing anymore
hey wait, i think someone got a hit
i heard a crack, whoa, look out
another foul ball
i really wonder if we'll get started
on the second game of this doubleheader
take me out of the ballgame
get me out of this living hell
my deodorant's wearing off, and so's everyone else's
oh, p.u.
Drivin' Thru Hell (1985)
(from the album "Don't Break My Spleen")
When I was a boy - okay when I was a younger boy - we took a lot of road trips. My mom has never flown (and probably never will), so every summer when we would visit family, we'd hop in the car and drive. One summer it'd be Iowa (grandma on my dad's side), and the next it would be San Francisco (grandma and aunts on my mom's side) and Los Angeles (my two brothers). And I was a boy, so I got bored. And so not long after I started writing songs, I decided to bitch about it musically. And so here you go.
when we left LA
no one saw it ahead
it came upon us so quickly
pretty soon we all wished we were dead
a couple hours and we hit the state line
a couple minutes and we were praying for a land mine
drivin' thru nevada
makes you wanna puke
in a nutshell
never gets better
like a giant piece of saran wrap
it's like drivin' thru hell
after that, it's the beehive state
land of salt and salt and salt
we should have left it to the indians
then again that'd be an insult
and then there's wyoming, no wonder no one lives there
tumbleweeds, tumbleweeds, tumbleweeds everywhere
drivin' through these places
makes you wet your pants
a fire unquelled
the fires of boredom
ablaze with full fury
it's like drivin' through hell
on and on and on it goes
where it stops, only god knows
oklahoma, kansas, texas, idaho, montana
arizona, new mexico, the great plains, aaaaahh
to think about the span of this gigantic desert
boggles the mind, all that dirt
what a waste of real estate
minnesota, iowa, wisconsin too
and eastern colorado
all that land we could use for nuclear testing
it would have scared even edgar allen poe
corn, wheat, dust, whoopee i'm havin' a ball
i think i'd rather spend eternity in study hall
naaaahhh
drivin' through nebraska
causes diarrhea and makes hemorrhoids swell
wall to wall cornhuskers
turns the stomach inside out
might as well be drivin' through hell
Total Lobotomy (1984)
(from the album "End of the Line")
This is the oldest Velvet Cockroach song you are likely to ever hear, unless you get me simultaneously drunk, stoned, and replaced with a shape-shifting alien. It was penned in 1984, before I was allowed to drive, and long before I was allowed to vote, and even longer before I was allowed to drink anything but watery beer. In case you have spent your life wondering how a story about accidental surgery would sound to a tango beat, here is your chance at salvation. Otherwise, my apologies.
my doctor, he did shout
get those tonsils out
well he ought to know
so i thought i'd go
what a bunch of incompetent fools
that run that big white shack
there ain't a single doctor there
who ain't a stinking quack
and i got a total lobotomy
you better take back all the things you said about me
unless you want an everythingectomy
you'd better shape up and be nice to me
by the time that they were through
i didn't know what to do
they'd shaved off all my hair
and my tonsils were still there
now i am insane
because i have no brain
so you'd better watch out
or i'll make you scream and shout
'cause i got a total lobotomy
you better take back all the things you said about me
unless you want an everythingectomy
you'd better shape up and be nice to me
one very dark night
after you've turned out the lights
i'll put koolaid in your gas tank
and pull all sorts of pranks
i'll get your guard dogs drunk
and quietly open the door
and then i'll nail your chairs to the ceiling
and your chandelier to the floor
'cause i got a total lobotomy
you better take back all the things you said about me
unless you want an everythingectomy
you'd better shape up and be nice to me
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