Democritis
There are a lot of types of things that I don't think enough songs are named after. Ancient Greek philosophers is one. When you think about it, it's really quite amazing, and beyond any rational kind of explanation. I mean, the amount of time this particular guy spent pondering things, one must truly wonder if he ever found the time to masturbate.
twenty-four hundred years ago
there lived a man named democritis
with nothing but his mind he discovered the atom
not a shabby scientist
it only took twenty-two hundred years to discover it again
let's shoot our mental wad
let's fight over how to spell god
deny it's all a facade
stay stupid
twenty-four hundred years ago
democritis looked into the sky
with nothing but his mind he saw life on other worlds
can you believe this guy
it's only been twenty-four hundred years and we're still not sure we agree
let's think we're all that lives
let's take and never give
forget but don't forgive
stay stupid
twenty-four hundred years from now
assuming we are still around
will we be any brighter than today
or will we just keep trending down
let's keep the bar at our feet
let's all accept our defeat
satisfied to be walking meat
stay stupid
look at that guy, is he stupid?
YEAH!
look at that chick, is she stupid?
YEAH!
look at me, am i stupid?
YEAH!
congress
YEAH!
stupid is as stupid does and i just wanna do you
Bad Idea
The music for this song dates all the way back to the Velvet Cockroach years, in 1987. Back then, it was called "Whips and Chains". Then one day, I thought, wow, I kinda like that music, I should try to resurrect it. Hence the name, "Bad Idea".
it's been a long road leading to where i am now
sh-t, i've always been the one to drive the snowplow
i won't say everything i knew before was wrong
but i'm waiting for the universe to hammer the gong
about the only thing that's clear to me these days
think i'm a bad idea
maybe the worst you've ever had
bad bad bad
doesn't it beat all that i stumble into you
at the right place, wrong time, right out of the blue
a whole lot of everything for which i live
and a whole lot of nothing for me to give
don't know for sure but upon deeper reflection
think i'm a bad idea
maybe the worst you've ever had
bad bad bad
i may never ever fall in love again
on a scale of one to nine, that strikes me as a ten
is that indisputable evidence
that i've finally lost my innocence
pop goes the cherry, down goes the fairy tale ending
think i'm a bad idea
maybe the worst you've ever had
bad bad bad
Nothing
This song was originally intended to be called "Everything". Unfortunately, the first draft clocked in at fifty-five hours, twenty-three minutes, and ten seconds. I cannot begin to tell you what kind of sheer hell it is putting together an album. Consider yourself lucky. Unless you're actually listening to these songs, of course. Then you're not lucky, you're just kinda weird.
got a brick wall in my mind
you hear that hamster's wheel grind
gonna leave it all behind
see what the music finds
this song is all about nothing
this song is all about nothing
fa la la la la de da
it gets cold in omaha
sha na na and blah blah too
i could tell you why the sky is blue
but not in a song that's all about nothing
this song is all about nothing
insubordinate bb gun
inconsiderate peach tree sun
decelerating pink packrat
vacillating thermostat
this song is all about nothing
this song is all about nothing
can't believe i made it here
i think i deserve a beer
so let's close out the final verse
and bring it home with those beautiful words
that bear repeating
this song is all about nothing
this song is all about nothing
Throw Ya
While I consider myself quite liberal, I don't equate that with being a Democrat. Truth is, I can't think of a politician I trust. I like some more than others, and the ones I like are usually Democrats, but honestly, I think they're all too full of themselves to do much good. On the other hand, most of them are too full of themselves to do much harm as well. But it's those few outliers that always screw it up for everyone else. Wow, I guess I really did learn all I needed to know in kindergarten.
maybe there was a day
a long long time ago
in a galaxy far far away
when you weren't a ho
but that day is now a ghost
that doesn't even haunt
and in its place is you
and the power you still want
ya know i just don't trust ya
no further than i can throw ya
so stop thinkin' i'll ever trust ya
'cause i'm thinkin' i'd rather throw ya
every word that you say
is a sheath on something else
you jump from fray to fray
as long as each one sells
'cause getting re-elected
is always number one
and if we get misdirected
your regret is slim or none
ya know i just don't trust ya
no further than i can throw ya
so stop thinkin' i'll ever trust ya
'cause i'm thinkin' i'd rather throw ya
i guess it's human nature
to set aside your soul
or in simpler nomenclature
you're an asshole
ya know i just don't trust ya
no further than i can throw ya
so stop thinkin' i'll ever trust ya
'cause i'm thinkin' i'd rather throw ya
ya know i really want to bust ya
for makin' all of us blow ya
and you're still talkin' - must ya
shut up and watch me throw ya
Dreaming of Magic
This song really is based on a dream, I poop you not. I dreamt I had written a song... wait a second, should I have said "dreamed"? Dammit! Now I'm totally off my game. Next thing you know, I'm going to exceed the number of characters I'm allowed to use in one of these blurbs, and then you're never going to hear the really cool story about how I dreamt (or dreamed) about this song before I ever wrote it. Oh, well, I guess I can at least get the tale started. So, I was lying (or is it laying) there one night, and all of a sudden I
i'm dreaming of magic
but i don't know what for
my life's far from tragic
but apparently i'm bored
ah, doctor, what does it all mean
i'm up and down and everything between
i'm dreaming of magic
but i don't know my lust
i'm feeling nostalgic
for oblivious
ah, director, please explain this scene
it's happy and sad and everything between
i've got no use for magic
it's not around when i'm awake
why can't i get it done with logic
how do i keep stepping on the rake
no, i don't believe in magic
but exactly what i do believe, don't know
it's enough to make a man lethargic
punch it, i stop, hit the brakes, i go
i'll never understand it, so...
...i'm dreaming of magic
The Ozone Song
I was going to write a song about global warming, but Melissa f-ckin' Etheridge beat me to it, so I had to settle for a climate crisis we'd already averted. I dare you to find another song with the word "troposphere" in it.
once upon a time
there was no one around to breathe
no one to eat, sleep, drink, or cut the cheese
life transformed the air
drifting up beyond the clouds
beyond the highest breeze
gimme some love for my home gas ozone
in the stratosphere it's good, in the troposphere it's bad
shout it from the mountain tops on your cell phone
in the stratosphere it's good, in the troposphere it's bad
without it we wouldn't be 'round to eat calzones
in the stratosphere it's good, in the troposphere it's bad
feel the funky beat while i jam on my trombone
in the stratosphere it's good, in the troposphere it's bad
up above the world so high
like suntan lotion in the sky
she protects me from myself
so i don't burn in hell
gimme some love for my home gas ozone
in the stratosphere it's good, in the troposphere it's bad
baby this gas is as cool as a snow cone
in the stratosphere it's good, in the troposphere it's bad
it might not help you close on a home loan
in the stratosphere it's good, in the troposphere it's bad
but that don't matter child, check out this dial tone
in the stratosphere it's good, in the troposphere it's bad
gimme some love for my home gas ozone
in the stratosphere it's good, in the troposphere it's bad
long time no see, my how you have grown
in the stratosphere it's good, in the troposphere it's bad
toast ozone's health with a shot of patron
in the stratosphere it's good, in the troposphere it's bad
'cause without it we'd all need a lot more coppertone
in the stratosphere it's good, in the troposphere it's bad
one day we found a hole
and then we found our pivotal role
so they gathered in montreal
and slapped together a protocol
and then some people bitched
'cause doing good makes it hard to stay rich
who gives a flick about the ozone layer
it's more important to spray my hair
gimme some love for my home gas ozone
in the stratosphere it's good, in the troposphere it's bad
if we piss it away, we will reap what we have sown
in the stratosphere it's good, in the troposphere it's bad
maybe my mind is ruled by my hormones
in the stratosphere it's good, in the troposphere it's bad
but my heart belongs to my home gas ozone
in the stratosphere it's good, in the troposphere it's bad
Come With
This was the first song to begin materializing on this album. Hard to believe it's been almost a year and a half since then. It's even harder to believe it's been almost eight seconds since I wrote that last sentence. And that period I just wrote - WHERE DOES THE TIME GO, HUH? Sheesh.
i was minding my own business
and everything was just fine
then you shot that playful smile at me
now it's lodged inside my mind
welcome to the midnight hour
where the nighttime sheds its clothes
i want to take that smile with me
and see how deep it goes
i don't know where i'm going
wanna come with
i just know i like you
and that's it
i can think of a million things
that'd go well with looking in your eyes
and i can find some even better things
if you let me improvise
follow me and i will follow you
and we can plan it as we go
where it leads or how it ends
i don't even want to know
i don't know where i'm going
wanna come with
i just know i like you
and that's it
Serenity
So originally I was thinking of doing a trilogy of songs: one about courage, one about serenity, and one about wisdom. Then, upon doing a little research, I realized that whole serenity prayer has been done to death. Sadly, I had already made a deal with Satan to complete some sort of song about it, so I went ahead and finished what I had. Then I come to find out there is no Satan. Dammit!
you know i'd like to think
i can change anything
the world and her heart
but it's a lie
sometimes
it seems impossible
to know what you know
and not wanna know why
courage is easy
wisdom grows on trees
but it's really hard to find
serenity
seemed brilliant at the time
diving into your pool
till i hit the concrete; well i guess
i didn't think things through
you know it ought to be
enough work as it is
to deal with my own sh-t
and not smell yours too
courage is easy
wisdom grows on trees
but it's really hard to find
serenity
peace
of mind
what does it look like, and how does it taste
i'll bet it's pretty damned good
so far
i haven't done much more
than talk about it or sing this song
but i probably should
courage is easy
wisdom grows on trees
but it's really hard to find
serenity
Zamboni My Mojo
That's right, it's not just a song about hockey, and it's not just a song about sex, it's a song about BOTH. They said it couldn't be done. They said it wouldn't work. They said no one would listen. They were right across the board, but I did it anyway.
baby i'm a little rough around the edges
got an agonizing itch to scratch
would you help me swallow my pride
yeah baby down the hatch
won't you zamboni my mojo
no, no baloney, don't want no
no macaroni and cheese
no, please don't make me say please
well i've got some theories about you
screaming to be put to the test
put this right here and that right there
and i'll take care of the rest
won't you zamboni my mojo
no, no baloney, don't want no
no macaroni and cheese
no, please don't make me say please
you know the rhythm i'm seeking
we'll zero in pretty fast
shatter conventional wisdom
about how long it can last
won't you zamboni my mojo
no, no baloney, don't want no
no macaroni and cheese
no, please don't make me say please
That Heart of Yours
There are several people who know me, that are each going to think this song is about them, when in fact it could be about practically anybody. I mean, let's face it, pretty much everybody has a heart. Heh, heh, nah, I won't go there, it's too easy. You can do it.
i know the pain
that comes for free with a big mistake
and how to make it last
until it's there for its own sake
i know what it's like
to shower love on someone else
and never think to turn
that holy water on yourself
we all know our quirks
like the words to our favorite songs
somehow they become
a laundry list of ways we're wrong
you want me to know
i've got a special place
you don't need to prove to me that's true
another thing i know
there's still a lot of space
there's gotta be room in that heart of yours for you
i know you'll shine
brighter than the summer sun
once you see
you've really only just begun
baby i see beauty
in the weathered parts of you
and i see victory in all that you've been through
if those bloodshot eyes
could only see the space
there's gotta be room in that heart of yours for you
Tastiera on iTunes
Hear Bead Rag Guns